Hitting the nail upon the top. Pic credit: Carlos Porto,  http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/ images/view_photog.php? photogid=345


Hitting the nail upon the top. Pic credit: Carlos Porto, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/ images/view_photog.php? photogid=345

For some reason, I really enjoy writing about spam (perhaps because it is so entertaining I don’t need to think of anything funny to write myself), so I am pleased to bring readers the latest batch of illiterate rubbish that fills my inbox in response to various blog posts.

Let’s start with a compliment. “Rodney” tells me: “The website pattern is perfect, the subject material is really wonderful”. Thanks Rodney, be honest with me though, you haven’t actually read it, have you?

“Luke” was also enthusiastic. “Hey There,” he writes, “I found your blog the use of msn. That is a very neatly written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to learn more of your helpful info. Thank you for the post. I will definitely comeback.” [sic]

“Eleonor” was even more effusive, though rather less literate. “Definitely believe that which you said. Your favourite reason seemed to be on the web the easiest factor to have in mind of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while folks consider concerns that they plainly don’t know about.” (Eleonor, we are soul-mates!)

“You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the entire thing without having side effect, “ she continued. “Other folks could take a signal. Will likely be again to get more. Thanks!”

Rodney, Luke and Eleonor had filled me so with pride and self-love that I was positively insulted by a subsequent remark from “Elvia”. “After reading your blog post,” she said, “I browsed your website a bit and noticed you aren’t ranking nearly as well in Google as you could be. I possess a handful of blogs myself and I think you should take a look here [link supplied]. You’ll find it’s a very nice tool that can bring you a lot more visitors.”

Fuck off, Elvia. If my site gets found only by perverts Googling “rancid, bitter, middle-aged, hairy-legged failed woman journalist UK” that’s my bloody business, OK? No need to rub it in.

“Ethan” thought I was lacking in efficiency. “Next, take all the activities you want to accomplish in the first year, and break them down by quarter,” he suggested, apropos of nothing. Would sitting on a spammer until he bursts count as an activity I should accomplish, I wonder?

On a completely different subject, “Stephanie” informed me that “one major benefit of this oil it does is to reduce triglyceride a form of fat made in the body levels.” She neglected to inform me which oil, otherwise I’d obviously have rushed out and bought some. Actually, even if I knew what triglyceride was I probably wouldn’t want to pay a total stranger to help me reduce it – does that make me a bad person?

I simply don’t understand what purpose most of these ridiculous posts serve. The spammers clearly want people to look at their comments and then visit their sites, but why would anyone do so, given such irrelevant and ill-written comments?

What the hell is anyone supposed to make of comments like this one? “I mapped out my route and the first stop was Reagan National Airport where I was picking up a friend”. I’m not a bloody travel writer, “Seth” – you’re in the wrong website.

Seth’s not alone in having not the slightest comprehension of who he is or where he is. “Ryan” commented: “The boy, blissfully unaware of what he has just escaped, wanders up the hill to the graveyard at the end of the street, where he is taken in and raised by the ghosts and spirits who live there.” I’m so at a loss as to what Ryan’s purpose is in visiting my site that I can’t think of a single witty or sarcastic thing to write.

So, moving swiftly on in the hope that I recover quickly, here’s one from “Jesse”, who says: “If any of you know of a forum devoted to follow spot techniques, please reply here, or email me.”

I don’t have the first inkling what a follow spot technique is, and even less interest. Another spam post advertising “cheap London hotels” recommended a hotel that is (I discovered after looking it up on independent sites) very far from “cheap”. What on earth is the point – what are they hoping to achieve?

Perhaps the best offer I’ve had all week was for a brand of e-cigarettes. Apparently, this product looks “similar to a fabulous Marlboro” and the experience is akin to “having an breathed in measure associated with tobacco smoking flavor cigarettes”. Even better, “the cigarettes is supplied in the shape a fabulous vaporized the liquid brought to all the bronchi.” Not only but also, these “fabulous cigarettes repair you wish for not having the tar, untidy lung burning ash, smelly cigarette smoke, grey your smile unsightly stains, or perhaps second hand smoke. What this means is they are really possibly reliable roughly toddlers and children.”

Hm, that sounds lovely but I’m a bit bored now, so I think I’ll just nip outside for a cigarette.


Join the conversation! 13 Comments

  1. Hi Sue
    Read this before I went to bed but didn’t have a chance to reply; no it didn’t send me to sleep.
    Elvia was offering a product to help you improve your SEO, yes I had one too.
    I think Ryan was that boy and is wandering around blogs as a spirit now.
    Follow spot techniques are those employed by theatre operatives using follow spot lights, sad I know. Maybe you are destined for the limelight, Sue.
    I think I wrote 20 articles on e-cigarettes at one time.
    I wish I hadn’t deleted all of my spam now.
    I think I’m going to start a discussion, as a laugh, of spam related comments.
    Thanks
    Nigel ;-)

    Reply
    • Never delete your spam, Nigel, one day it could come in handy to take the piss out of! Look forward to seeing the discussion – I shall be there with my classic remarks from Elvia and her mates.

  2. I read your article all the way through and it did not put me to sleep.

    Rodney’s reply sounds like an answering machine type message. It let’s you know he was there but does not give any real information.

    Luke’s reply made me wonder how much sugar did he eat before he replied. “That is a very neatly written article.” How else would it be written, with a lot of dirt on it? Torn edges?

    Poor Eleonor, her reply shows a lack of education in the structure of written communication. One can only guess at her educational background.

    [“Ryan” commented: “The boy, blissfully unaware of what he has just escaped, wanders up the hill to the graveyard at the end of the street, where he is taken in and raised by the ghosts and spirits who live there.”]
    Here’s a reply “Only to find out the ghosts and spirits were the souls of those whose lives were taken when he escaped his fate.”

    I have operated a spot light before, sure would have been nice to have had some instruction on its use before I was asked to use it in a church program.

    I’m still working on developing my blogg so I have not received any comments like you have.

    Reply
    • Thanks for visiting, Martha, glad you liked it. I can always put you in touch with the spotlight man if you feel you need more tuition, ha ha.
      Good luck with developing your blog – it’s great fun and it’s always nice to have people visit and leave comments.

  3. I just got three somewhat (long, gobbledygook) disturbing ones that all end like this:

    Your post has inspired me so much that I will watch this site 24/7 and if for some odd reason (I would never guess why you would ever do that, but oh well) you would not approve or delete this comment I would probably commit suicide , I have attempted it many times before, as is expected from an idiot like me, who could never be compared to your coolness

    I assume that the ‘bot committed suicide.

    But here’s my most recent favorite:

    You are my inhalation, I own few blogs and very sporadically run out from brand. “Never mistake motion for action.” by Ernest Hemingway.

    Evidently “inspiration” and “inhalation” meant the same thing to the auto-translator. I’ve gotten a few others from the same URL (#s) and they always include an auto-quote.

    I’m not entirely sure what it originally was supposed to mean in Hindi.

    Reply
    • Not sure if it’s possible for 1 human to watch a site 24/7, at least any normal human, but this poster did say they were an idiot so either they are not normal and don’t need to sleep or…
      I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

      I took the translation and put it back through the translator back to Hindi and then back to English and this is how it came out “You take my breath, I own a few blogs and so many ways brands revealed”
      So you are cool to one and take the breath of another. Your blog must be one that I won’t want my kids to see. Hot?

    • Martha, I sometimes feel I’m on the internet 24/7, but I agree that the poster in question is somewhat lacking in the IQ department!
      I love online translation, isn’t it fun? Have you seen what I did with Ode to a Nightingale? http://fwords.co.uk/2011/08/11/mangling-keats-through-online-translation-to-get-a-cheap-laugh/

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