press releases

Among the latest batch of rubbish press releases, one that is, quite literally, “crap”

While compiling candidates for inclusion in my latest collection of Crap Press Releases, I was delighted to come across one about travellers’ diarrhoea. Crap… Diarrhoea…  geddit?!

If it were not for the literal “crap” connection I wouldn’t have singled this one out for mockery – it’s actually an interesting, informative piece, with well-referenced data. My only grouse with it is the headline:

“What are the British bringing back from their holidays?”

When you have a perfectly good news angle – the statistic that up to 40% of UK holidaymakers get the squits while away – it seems a shame to have such a strangely meaningless headline. I suppose the idea is that positing a question as the headline makes the readers so curious they open the email to find the answer. But that seems a risky move – readers could easily assume this is about duty-free purchases, and if they have no interest in luxury goods retailing, they might not bother opening it.

Anyway, on to my second headline nomination. This one isn’t literally about crap; it just annoyed the crap out of me.

“Don’t accept lifts from strangers – or Timothy and Judith”

First reaction: WTF is this about? And that’s not a “I’m so intrigued about this that I will straight away open the email and enjoy finding out” sort of WTF, it’s an irritable “why can’t these people get to the point and say what the story is?” sort of WTF.

Well, it turns out – but not until the second para – that Timothy and Judith are the names most likely to claim on their car insurance. The release lists the other most likely names too. A good, fun, story, but the advice about not accepting lifts from strangers, which is repeated in the intro, had me baffled. The story didn’t appear to have anything to do with getting in cars with strangers. It wasn’t till I came to start writing this piece that I twigged. Yes, of course, it’s saying you shouldn’t get into a car with anyone called Timothy or Judith because the data would appear to suggest that they are more likely than average to have an accident. Hence they might have an accident while you are a passenger in the car. Haha, I see, it was a jocular remark.

At least, I assume it was jocular – I don’t imagine the insurance company behind the release is seriously suggesting that the statistical risks of sharing a car with Timothys and Judiths are so high as to make it genuinely inadvisable. Or are they? I don’t know, and that’s the problem. The trouble with light-hearted approaches in writing is that not all the readers will understand the writer’s sense of humour and will consequently not know whether to take statements seriously or not. It asks the reader to think far too much in order to understand what’s being conveyed.

I would have gone with a more straightforward approach like “Timothy and Judith are the names most likely to claim on their car insurance”.

Anyway, for anyone interested, the next most accident prone names are apparently Antonio, Julian and Bernard for boys and Joanna and Clare for girls.

Here’s one I don’t get at all.

“Sparkling diamond is crowned the city’s new jewel”

Don’t bother trying to work out what it’s about, cos you won’t. The news here is that a bar called Jewel, the third of the chain in London, has opened near St Paul’s. Why couldn’t they just say so?

I simply don’t see what a sparkling diamond has to do with it. I could understand it if the bar’s name was Sparkling Diamond, but it isn’t. And in any event, bars don’t get crowned. Neither do diamonds. In what way has anyone been crowned? It just doesn’t make sense.

Meanwhile, the text is littered with hyperbole and jewel-related synonyms. We have dazzled [twice], opulent, fabulous, fantastic, decadent, delectable, twinkling.

Ooh, it’s just like Santa’s fairy grotto. Or like a thesaurus that burst, scattering synonyms everywhere.

The bar, in a fabulously decadent mixed metaphor, “well and truly stamped its starry mark on the metropolis”. I have no idea how you stamp a starry mark but apparently it can be done.

Maybe this kind of thing is what entertainment/hospitality media like. But there’s really no excuse for typos – too many apostrophes in VIP’s and mannequin’s, not enough apostrophes in venues, Savile Row spelled wrong, no cap A in Fifth Avenue. Yuk.

Well, readers, it’s nearly Halloween and here’s a press release with a ghoulish spelling mistake right up there in the headline. A major candle manufacturer announces its

“frightenly fabulous candles”.

It’s “frighteningly”, you morons. Oh, and candles “cast” a ghoulish glow; they don’t “caste” it, as your top tips for creating a romantic ambience would suggest.

There will be a ton more crap Halloween press releases arriving soon. I feel it; I sense it. I am on full alert.

Pic credit: S Fenton

Dreaming of a white (or black/green/red) Christmas: ‘tis the season for crap festive product promotions

Having only recently derided a press release with the meaningless headline “I’m Dreaming of a Green Christmas”, (http://fwords.co.uk/2011/09/27/crappy-press-releases-of-the-week-more-moans-about-punny-irritating-and-meaningless-headlines/), I was delighted to receive another release with a headline referring to the tired old festive Christmas hit by Bing Crosby.

“Here’s Dreaming of a White (and Black) Christmas…” proclaimed the release from a tool maker. It seems they have both a white and a black edition in their multi-tool gift set, which is being marketed as a Christmas gift for the amateur DIYer. Well, it would have been rude not to use the title of a 1950s hit record as the press release headline, wouldn’t it?

Here’s the conversation in the PR department as I imagine it.

Over-enthusiastic PR: “Hey, d’you like this headline for our latest press release? Dreaming of a White (and Black) Christmas. Fab, isn’t it?”

More intelligent colleague: “I don’t get it – how is it about DIY products?”

OEPR: “Well, it’s a pun, isn’t it? You know, like the title of that boring song by Frank Sinatra or someone that really annoys everyone each Christmas.”

MIC: “Yes, I can see that. But what does it mean? Where do DIY products come into it?”

OEPR: “It’s a play on words. In the intensely irritating song from several decades ago, the singer says he’s dreaming of a White Christmas. We’ve got a white product, so what we’re saying, in a roundabout sort of way, is that our customers will be dreaming of a white Christmas too. And cos we’ve got a black product too, they’ll also be dreaming of a black Christmas. Clever, innit?”

MIC: “Mm, except what they’re dreaming of isn’t a white – or black – Christmas literally, is it? You’re saying they’re dreaming of getting one of our products. But the headline doesn’t mention our products.”

OEPR: “No, to be fair, it doesn’t. But the thing is, everyone’s heard of that mind-numbingly trite song by someone from their grandparents’ generation that makes last-minute Christmas shoppers run screaming out of department stores, so when they read our press release they’ll be humming along and tapping their feet, and it’ll be all lovely and festive! And they’ll all think how clever we are.”

MIC: “Wouldn’t it be more straightforward just to tell them we’ve launched some new DIY tools?”

Random editor, glancing at press release before pressing ‘delete’: “What’s this old shite? Another bloody pun about different-coloured Christmases. Sod that – has anyone got any news about DIY tools?”

Ooh, and hot off the presses here’s another company that likes festive colours. See if you can guess what this headline’s about.

“Choose RED… but stay in the BLACK.”

To me, that’s a call to join the Communist Party – or buy a particular women’s magazine – or a brand of perfume, without spending much money.

I was right about the not spending much money; this release is promoting affordable personalised handmade Christmas tree ornaments. “Spread Christmas cheer without breaking the bank,” it exhorts the reader. Where the “red” comes into it I’m not sure, except that one of the ornaments depicts Father Christmas in his traditional red outfit. Perhaps they realised that the ethical retailer and the tool manufacturer had cornered the market in green and white and black Christmases and were looking for a new festive hue to focus on. But wait, no, “there will always be a place for a little black number at Christmas” continues the press release. The company’s black snowman will “bring a smile to even the grumpiest amongst us”. Not me. I’m far too grumpy; I’ve realised I can’t get I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas out of my head.

Pic credit: David Castillo Dominici, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062

… and now my nominations for great press release headlines

Having recently mocked crappy headlines and intros used in press releases – those that don’t do their job and get to the point – I thought it was only fair to mention some good ones.

Obviously it’s much more fun to mock and deride, but fair’s fair so I’ve been keeping an eye open for examples of press releases whose headlines sum up the story quickly and concisely.

I’ve noticed that many of the better releases are from larger companies and organisations – those that recognise the value of good communications and employ qualified people to get on and do it.

Press releases from smaller firms are perhaps more likely to suffer from “gild the lily syndrome” – taking a perfectly straightforward story and throwing puns and literary allusions and other flowery language at it until no-one, least of all the journalists at whom it’s targeted, can understand what it’s about.

I suspect that the problem arises because small outfits can’t – or won’t – budget for media relations, so the job of writing press releases is thrown at whichever reluctant marketing assistant or office manager is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Alternatively, the job is seized on by a senior manager who’s bored with doing the accounts and fancies that a bit of “creative” work will add some glamour to their day.

Anyway, here are a selection of releases that won’t drive editors mad trying to work out what the story is. If the story is relevant to a particular publication, the editor will know straight away and if it isn’t, no-one’s time will have been wasted.

From an airline:

British Airways adds First and business class to Moscow flights.

A good example because some press release writers would have leapt on the obvious opportunity to throw in shite puns about “flying high” and “to Russia with love”. This one avoided the temptation with a good, businesslike headline that tells you exactly what the story is.

From a recruitment agency:

Hospitals in the United Arab Emirates are seeking hundreds of nurses from the UK and Ireland.

Perhaps a little on the long side – might not fit in the subject line of the email on screen – but nevertheless, the story summed up in a sentence.

From an online pharmacy:

Innovative Health Goals Facebook App Makes You More Likely to Succeed.

Again, I know what the story is from the headline.  I’d have avoided the initial caps though – makes it harder to read.

From a catering company:

Caterer launches calorie-counted healthy eating range.

Excellent. The story in a sentence. Editors in catering, women’s, health, slimming and food-related publications can all see the relevance to them.

From another catering company:

Chak 89 and ASDA Join Forces to Cook Authentic Curries.

You might not know what Chak 89 is – I’d probably have referred to it as “Indian caterer” – but that’s quickly explained in the subsequent text and anyway you get the gist, that Asda is now selling proper Indian curries.

I can’t overlook though, the later use of a pun about spicing up mealtimes. Geddit?!!? Puns aren’t a good thing in press releases. They show what a clever, witty person the writer is – that’s all they do. Apart from irritate the reader. Clever allusions can be understood by those who are in on the joke but can often go over people’s heads because not everyone shares the same sense of humour – far better to stick to the facts.

From a charity:

Medical charity to roll-out credit card sized USB devices to hold travellers’ medical records.

Sums up what could be a fairly complex technology story in one easy-to-grasp sentence.

From a retailer:

Marks & Spencer Launches Online Maternity Bra Advice Tool

All I need to know, in a few words.

From a train company:

Eurostar launches its first pan-European advertising campaign

Says what it’s about and why it’s newsworthy. Job done.

From the Confederation of British Industry:

Retail sales lower year-on-year but pace of decline stable

Retail sales statistics and trends are massively complex – the fact that something can be up yet on a downward trend (downwardly up?), or down but on a kind of lessening downwardness (upwardly down?) – has never failed to do my head in and leave me rocking in a corner when I’ve been called on to deal with them – but this manages to get the nub of the thing in a few words.

Pic credit: Scottchan, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1701

Crappy press releases of the week: more moans about punny, irritating and meaningless headlines

My latest nominations for press release headlines that don’t do their job and GET TO THE POINT are as follows:

“I’m Dreaming of a Green Christmas”

What does this tell us? It seems to be a corruption of a well-known song sung by Bing Crosby. Is the release something to do with Crosby? Something to do with music, certainly? Why the “green”? Is it about the weather – does it mean we’re not expecting snow this year? Who is the “I” who’s dreaming? Nope – I give up.

It turns out that the news is that an ethical retailer has launched its Christmas catalogue. Hence “Green Christmas”. Ethical = “green”, “Green” = like White but not. It’s a play on words! Geddit??!! Aren’t we funny!

For goodness’ sake – why not just get to the point, instead of making the reader play guessing games.

“Wishing you a Merry & Healthy Christmas”

Ooh, it’s an early e-card from a particularly well-organised well-wisher! No. It’s a carol? No, it’s a press release – about pillows, of all things. The angle is that memory foam pillows that help support the neck properly are thoughtful Christmas presents. Again, the writer, for some reason, felt it was best not to say so in the headline.

“Winter Wonderland celebrates its 5th year with a magical new Ice Rink”

This one’s not bad – you do get the gist straight away, which is that the well-known Hyde Park attraction is getting a new ice rink.

But this release misses a trick by using the word “magical” – what on earth does that mean? Does the rink do astonishing card tricks, or make itself disappear? Does it perform the Indian rope trick or cut itself in half? The writer is so busy trying to convey the idea of festive, romantic twinkliness that she forgets to mention until paragraph 3 that the rink will be the biggest of its kind in the UK. Now, that’s quite newsworthy, actually, but the fact’s in danger of being overlooked.

Ooh, here’s another one who likes the word “magic”. Guess what this is about…

“Now that’s magic!”

Go on, have a guess. No? The headline the writer was grasping for was “Celebrity TV magician [name here] opens new headquarters of local company [name here]”.

I believe the celebrity in question uses the catchphrase “Now that’s magic!”, which is presumably why the writer used it. It’s an allusion, you see. Editors who happen to be familiar with the work of said celebrity and who have a bit of time on their hands will put two and two together and realise that the release is something to do with said celebrity. But over and above that, the headline does little to tell us what the release is about.

Same goes for this next one. To its credit, it’s about neither Christmas nor magic so it comes as rare and refreshing fruit to me, but it still manages to drive me wild through its use of a pun. Puns are inappropriate in press releases. If the writer wants to be clever and witty they should do so on their own time, for an audience that has the same sense of humour. Otherwise, they are simply showing off, at the expense of the reader’s understanding of the words.

Here you go….

“Rugby Star Muscles Up”

What does that mean, do you think? My first impression was that a rugby player was interfering where he wasn’t wanted, then I realised that would be “muscles in”, not “up”. Of course, it must be something to do with the rugby player getting more muscled. But why is that news? Don’t all sports stars work out?

The story is that he uses the products of a health supplement company with “Muscle” in its name. Aha, it’s a pun! He gets more muscles with Muscles – geddit??!!!!. Oh, I can’t start laughing.

Writers should always remember their audience – it would be fine for The Sun, for instance, to use a pun like this because that’s the kind of thing their readers like. But a press release writer isn’t writing for Sun readers – he/she is writing for a cross-section of journalists, all of whom want to know from the outset what the story is about. The reader shouldn’t have to puzzle out what is meant; it wastes time and is irritating. This story would have been better headlined something like “Rugby star puts on 10 stone by taking Muscle Company’s vitamins” or words to that effect.

Meanwhile, I’m collecting examples of good, efficient, press release headlines. There are some. Will report back in a later blog.

Pic credit: Tom Curtis, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=178

Nominations for the crappiest press release headlines & intros of the week

Good headlines and intros are vital to a press release’s chances of making it into print. A good headline sums up what the story is about, enabling the editor to decide whether or not it’s worth reading on.

A good intro encapsulates the gist of the story in one paragraph. This saves the editor from having to read the whole thing to find out what the story is. It also means that if there’s space for only one or two pars, a time-pressed or lazy journalist doesn’t have to sub too heavily to express the key facts concisely.

Writers of press releases often forget – or ignore – these basic principles; they write irrelevant, punny headlines or put the gist of their story half-way down the release, where it can be overlooked.

Their aim seems to be to entice the reader with flowery language, to charm them with linguistic creativity. Wake up! This isn’t romantic fiction, to be lingered over and savoured in the bath – editors haven’t got time for that kind of thing. What they want is relevant, to-the-point information, and quickly.

Writing a press release isn’t a creative writing competition; it’s about conveying the most important and relevant facts as quickly and concisely as possible.

Editors make snap judgments on press releases. What is the story here? Is it relevant to my readership? Tell me NOW.

If the crux of the story isn’t clear from the headline, the email might not even be opened. Then, if the relevance isn’t immediately apparent from the intro, the release will get trashed. Or the editor will waste time ploughing through flowery prose to discover what the point of the story is, then have to rewrite it, and get so pissed off in the process they’ll be prejudiced against that particular company in future.

Here are some examples from the past week.

Consider this headline:

“Falling leaves announce the seasons [sic] of mists and mellow fruitfulness”.

What’s that about? Any guesses? This release is helpfully telling us it’s autumn. But we knew that, so why bother issuing a press release about it? It’s also telling us the writer knows Keats (though not well enough to quote him correctly). So what? Of what possible relevance is that to an editor?

The writer doesn’t get to the point until paragraphs 3 and 4, when he/she reluctantly reveals the information that increasing numbers of gardeners are using machines to clear fallen leaves, leading to record sales for a manufacturer of garden equipment. That should have been the intro; and there’s really no reason for quoting 19^th century poets in a story whose most likely outlet is business or gardening publications.

That one isn’t the only company yearning to convey the astonishing news that autumn is coming. This is the opening para of another release: “Soon summer draws to a close, the temperature drops and we get the urge to create a warm atmosphere indoors.”

So bleeding what?  Are you a PR or a weather forecaster? The story, that a well-known designer is launching some coffee cups and candle-holders, seeps out eventually but you get the feeling the writer would rather be doing Mills & Boon than this kind of thing.

The basic principles of writing press releases are similar to those of writing news, so many of the best PRs have come from a newspaper background. Others have not experienced the discipline instilled by journalistic training; they’re possibly the ones who try to attention-grab with a “creative” (long-winded and irrelevant) approach.

Sometimes, though, it’s the client’s fault. They love the idea of “getting into print” and they get all carried away and fancy themselves as JK Rowling, and the PR is too weak-willed or jaded to argue about it.

One can imagine the conversation:

Client: Not sure I like that headline – “Company XYZ invents cure for all known diseases and wins Nobel Prize for Medicine”.

PR: What don’t you like about it?

Client: Well, it’s not very imaginative, is it? It’s not going to win us the Nobel Prize for Literature, ha ha.

PR: Er, what would you suggest?

Client: Well, how about a few romantic allusions to falling leaves and damp weather; you know, let the reader know autumn’s coming?

PR (rocking, and moaning softly): Whatever.

Here’s another headline, from a telecoms company, that leaves us in the dark about what the story is:

The Smartphone fear factor

What does it mean? All this tells us is that someone, somewhere, is scared of telephones. Not so, as it turns out. The story is actually about mobile phone companies missing a trick by making their products too complicated for the needs of an increasingly important demographic, the over-65s. The old dears aren’t actually frightened of smartphones – they simply find them unnecessarily complicated and are quite happy with a simple, cheap, pay-as-you-go phone. The only fear factor operating in this scenario is the writer’s fear of of the effort involved in coming up with a meaningful headline.

Here’s another one that won’t get to the point:

Warning! Is Killer Water Hiding in Your Household?

I don’t know. I have no idea. What are you talking about?

Another daft question is used as the opening sentence. When is Water in Your Home at its Most Dangerous? For goodness’ sake! I don’t know! Why don’t you tell me? Go on, you’re obviously longing to!

The story here doesn’t start emerging until paragraph 4 and isn’t fully out of the closet until para 6. It’s that a London man has invented a device that prevents dangerous mould from growing in houses and infecting people with respiratory ailments. Could be interesting to business and technology journalists and local papers as well as health and science reporters – but would they bother reading the release having seen that headline?

Examples of good press release headlines and intros to come in another post!

Pic credit: Salvatore Vuono, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

While ads make parents obsess about hygiene, kids learn to hate their own bodies

I got really cross after reading a batch of press releases out this week. One, issued by a manufacturer of office cleaning products, listed a variety of dirty habits that are “annoying the UK’s mums”. These include not washing hands after going to the toilet, leaving toe nail clippings in the lounge, picking feet, kissing pets and taking cookery books and laptops into the toilet.

Apparently more than a quarter of mums said their children had had a mystery sickness recently, thanks to poor personal hygiene – oh, and not cleaning their computer equipment.

This makes me mad for two reasons. One, using guilt to make people buy stuff (“you bad parent, your kids are getting sick, and all cos you’re too mean to buy our product and too lazy to clean properly!”).
And two, demonising the mums. Why is this all about women? Where the hell are the dads? Why aren’t they being encouraged to take some responsibility for the family’s welfare and worry themselves into a panic over toe nail clippings and dirty keyboards and whether little Johnny’s got the squits?

The poor cows questioned in the poll admitted the main reason why they are “not more hygienic” is lack of time to clean due to work commitments and caring for their children. Come now, ladies, don’t forget the chaps let you have the vote and all that – now stop making excuses about having to work 20 hours a day to pay the mortgage and bring up a family – do your bit and get on with the cleaning.

Meanwhile, a press release from a manufacturer of power tools says 45% of parents spend less than five hours a week playing and bonding with their children. This means not enough time to teach the kids the DIY skills they’ll need to put up shelves and things when they grow up.

Of course parents haven’t got time to play with their children and teach them life skills; scare stories about e.coli have put the willies up them to such an extent that they’re too busy buying cleaning products and scrubbing computer keyboards – which is exactly what manufacturers of cleaning products, though clearly not of power tools, want.

Meanwhile, according to a cosmetic surgery company, a quarter of women first considered plastic surgery when they were between the ages of 10 and 15.

Don’t even start me on dodgy research: the women polled were “asked at what age they first considered cosmetic surgery”, the assumption being that they all had! So we’re led to believe that a quarter of all women had considered surgery as children, whereas the truth is probably that a quarter of all those who had considered surgery had first done so as children. The difference is important and potentially statistically significant. It makes me so cross to see imprecise research because it makes the resulting statistics misleading or even meaningless.

Anyway, that’s by the by. The gist of the research, that some children are so uneasy about their bodies that they think about plastic surgery, is shocking. Even the company involved admits as much. Could this trend be related in any way to the fact that these poor kids are left in front of the TV, soaking up the insidious messages of the adverts telling them they should be more beautiful, while their parents are working all the hours and are too busy worrying about whether they’re hygienic enough, to actually talk to their children?

Perhaps while the mums are cleaning the family’s mobile phones and doing the DIY, the dads could be encouraging children to critically analyse the vile marketing messages that are damaging their self-worth to the extent that they want to surgically alter their bodies when they get older.

Pic credit: Scottchan, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1701