Spam

“You hit the nail upon the top”: more ludicrous compliments & idiocy from half-wit spammers

Hitting the nail upon the top. Pic credit: Carlos Porto, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/ images/view_photog.php? photogid=345

For some reason, I really enjoy writing about spam (perhaps because it is so entertaining I don’t need to think of anything funny to write myself), so I am pleased to bring readers the latest batch of illiterate rubbish that fills my inbox in response to various blog posts.

Let’s start with a compliment. “Rodney” tells me: “The website pattern is perfect, the subject material is really wonderful”. Thanks Rodney, be honest with me though, you haven’t actually read it, have you?

“Luke” was also enthusiastic. “Hey There,” he writes, “I found your blog the use of msn. That is a very neatly written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and come back to learn more of your helpful info. Thank you for the post. I will definitely comeback.” [sic]

“Eleonor” was even more effusive, though rather less literate. “Definitely believe that which you said. Your favourite reason seemed to be on the web the easiest factor to have in mind of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed while folks consider concerns that they plainly don’t know about.” (Eleonor, we are soul-mates!)

“You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the entire thing without having side effect, “ she continued. “Other folks could take a signal. Will likely be again to get more. Thanks!”

Rodney, Luke and Eleonor had filled me so with pride and self-love that I was positively insulted by a subsequent remark from “Elvia”. “After reading your blog post,” she said, “I browsed your website a bit and noticed you aren’t ranking nearly as well in Google as you could be. I possess a handful of blogs myself and I think you should take a look here [link supplied]. You’ll find it’s a very nice tool that can bring you a lot more visitors.”

Fuck off, Elvia. If my site gets found only by perverts Googling “rancid, bitter, middle-aged, hairy-legged failed woman journalist UK” that’s my bloody business, OK? No need to rub it in.

“Ethan” thought I was lacking in efficiency. “Next, take all the activities you want to accomplish in the first year, and break them down by quarter,” he suggested, apropos of nothing. Would sitting on a spammer until he bursts count as an activity I should accomplish, I wonder?

On a completely different subject, “Stephanie” informed me that “one major benefit of this oil it does is to reduce triglyceride a form of fat made in the body levels.” She neglected to inform me which oil, otherwise I’d obviously have rushed out and bought some. Actually, even if I knew what triglyceride was I probably wouldn’t want to pay a total stranger to help me reduce it – does that make me a bad person?

I simply don’t understand what purpose most of these ridiculous posts serve. The spammers clearly want people to look at their comments and then visit their sites, but why would anyone do so, given such irrelevant and ill-written comments?

What the hell is anyone supposed to make of comments like this one? “I mapped out my route and the first stop was Reagan National Airport where I was picking up a friend”. I’m not a bloody travel writer, “Seth” – you’re in the wrong website.

Seth’s not alone in having not the slightest comprehension of who he is or where he is. “Ryan” commented: “The boy, blissfully unaware of what he has just escaped, wanders up the hill to the graveyard at the end of the street, where he is taken in and raised by the ghosts and spirits who live there.” I’m so at a loss as to what Ryan’s purpose is in visiting my site that I can’t think of a single witty or sarcastic thing to write.

So, moving swiftly on in the hope that I recover quickly, here’s one from “Jesse”, who says: “If any of you know of a forum devoted to follow spot techniques, please reply here, or email me.”

I don’t have the first inkling what a follow spot technique is, and even less interest. Another spam post advertising “cheap London hotels” recommended a hotel that is (I discovered after looking it up on independent sites) very far from “cheap”. What on earth is the point – what are they hoping to achieve?

Perhaps the best offer I’ve had all week was for a brand of e-cigarettes. Apparently, this product looks “similar to a fabulous Marlboro” and the experience is akin to “having an breathed in measure associated with tobacco smoking flavor cigarettes”. Even better, “the cigarettes is supplied in the shape a fabulous vaporized the liquid brought to all the bronchi.” Not only but also, these “fabulous cigarettes repair you wish for not having the tar, untidy lung burning ash, smelly cigarette smoke, grey your smile unsightly stains, or perhaps second hand smoke. What this means is they are really possibly reliable roughly toddlers and children.”

Hm, that sounds lovely but I’m a bit bored now, so I think I’ll just nip outside for a cigarette.

I attempt to annoy a scammer by engaging in time-wasting correspondence with him – Part 1

Most of the scam and spam emails I receive go straight into the electronic circular file, but one captured my imagination today and I thought it would be rather fun to reply to it – all innocent, like.

“The Better Business Bureau has been filed the above-referenced complaint from one of your clients concerning their dealings with you,” was the shocking news that popped into my inbox.

“The details of the consumer’s concern are presented in attached document. 
Please give attention to this matter and notify us of your standpoint. 
We kindly ask you to open the attached report to respond this complaint. 
We look forward to your prompt reply.”

The email was signed by a “Paula Tap”, who holds the position of “Dispute Counselor” at the “Better Business Bureau”. It was actually sent by a “Susanne Cook”, whose email address appears to be in Japan, though I rather doubt this.

Presumably the idea is that one opens the attachment, for what purpose I’m not sure, but not having been born yesterday I didn’t. Instead I thought I’d write back to my new penfriends and see if I could waste a portion of their time.

I replied:

“Dear Susanne and Paula

I was very upset to learn that a complaint had been filed against me. I have always done my best to give a good service to my clients and it is obviously a cause of great concern if a client is unhappy enough to contact a leading authority in business matters, such as yourselves.

I am asking myself, why did the client not contact me direct in the first instance? Maybe I could have explained matters to their satisfaction. Had things got so bad that we couldn’t at least TALK, and try to reach an amicable settlement?

Could you please outline the basic details of the complaint? If it was that matter of the member of parliament and the lady snake charmer, I can say in my defence that I did my best under difficult circumstances and that I always strived to maintain a sense of dignity, diplomacy and good humour. I really feel I can vindicate myself if you could tell me the exact nature of the complaint against me.

If privacy considerations prevent you from revealing the precise details, I will understand, and please could I ask to you tell my client that any shortcomings on my part would have been the result of a concatenation of events, namely an unforeseen shortage of office stationery, the pressures of maintaining a long-distance relationship with a married man in Nether Wallop, Hampshire, England, and my boss’s unfortunate dependence on prescription drugs.

It’s far too long a story to go into now and in any event, I fear you would think I was making excuses for my incompetence, but if you could let me have sight of the official complaint I will do my best to remedy it, even if that means not getting to Nether Wallop in time for the New Year’s Eve celebrations.

We at the Scottish & Caledonian Allied Manufacturers of Buns and Sweet Tortillas are at your service.  

S Fenton (Mr)

Customer Service Representative”

The words are all mine, and I’m rather pleased with the unspelled-out acronym at the end (SCAMBUST), but I owe the initial idea of getting into correspondence with scammers, with a view to irritate, to www.scamorama.com, which has indulged in some hilarious exchanges of emails with various internet penpals whose sole aim in life is to extract money from half-wits.

If “Paula” or “Susanne” reply I will report back.

I love spam and so does my ego: more hilarious comments that people attempt to post on my site

Someone called “Mandy” left a very flattering comment on my blog the other day. “I was just seeking this information for a while,” remarked Mandy. “After 6 hours of continuous Googleing [sic], at last I got it in your website.” Glad to oblige, Mandy!

“I wonder what’s the Google’s problem [sic] that does not rank this type of informative web sites [sic] closer to the top,” she continued. “Normally the top web sites are full of garbage.”

I’d have been a little more flattered had the post she was so impressed about not been a random moan about my car breaking down at the end of the street. Frankly, Mandy, if you can’t find something more useful than that in six hours on the internet, you’re a bit wanting in the top storey, I’d say.

Someone by the name of “Hotshot” was equally complimentary. In response to several blog posts he commented variously “I agree 100%,,, Excellent weblog!… Preach it my brother… Now that is some good literature…. Never considered it that way… and Wonderful ideas!”

I wasn’t aware I had any ideas. I thought I just rambled on and on about stuff and then pressed “publish”. Still, you gotta get praise where you can – thanks, Hotshot, you’re one hot guy – geddit?.

One “Rhett Cheshire” must have been to the same School of Spam as Hotshot, as he also commented “Preach it my brother”. Er, don’t you mean “sister”? Never mind, let it go.

There was fulsome admiration of my writing skills from two separate businesses offering SEO services. “Oh my goodness! an amazing article dude”, wrote one, while the other made more of a literary effort with “Youre [sic] so cool! I dont [sic] suppose Ive [sic] learn [sic] anything like this before. So good to search out somebody with some authentic ideas on this subject. realy [sic] thanks for beginning this up [sic]. this website is one thing that is wanted on the internet, somebody with a little bit originality. useful job for bringing one thing new to the internet!”

It makes me go all dewy-eyed, that kind of thing – whenever I’m having a bad day I know I can pop into my spam folder at WordPress and get some much-needed, albeit insincere and badly spelled, admiration.

“Vance” agreed that my blog expressed “Interesting views regarding that!” – that being an account of an inane conversation in the steam room. “Robbi Beirbrauer” commented “Saved like a favourite, I truly like your weblog!” Not truly enough to subscribe to it, though, eh, Robbi?

And “Tommy” wrote to say “Just wanted to say you have a great site”. Come on now, Tommy, if you’d actually read the site you’d have made a comment about a specific post. Aren’t you really just trying to butter me up so I’ll put your comment on, complete with link to your anxiety medication?

Pic credit: Patchareeya99, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1890

In which I am too easily flattered by spammers

The spammers have been out in force since last I wrote on the subject of ludicrously irrelevant and badly spelled blog comments. Is there a convention on, or something?

Anyway, checked my site tonight to see 73 new pending posts, most of them spam. It was a close-run thing but I’m always a sucker for flattery, so the prize for Best Spam Post of the Day goes to Jacki from the Phillipines, for her inspired “You put the lime in the cocnout [sic] and drink the article up”. I have no idea what you mean, Jacki, but I love you anyway.

Someone called Unity added: “You’re the grteaest! [sic]” Aw, thanks Unity – I’m in danger of getting a swollen head.

Here are the best of the rest.

Latisha, from Poland, wrote: “At last! Someone who undersatdns [sic]! Thanks for posting!” Ironically, this was a comment about my page on proof-reading.

Ellen was “super exceitd [sic] to see more of this kind of stuff online”. Frankly Ellen, you’re too easily excited.

Rocky from Brazil said: “Stay with this guys, you’re helping a lot of polpee [sic]”. That’s great to hear. I like helping polpee.

Dillanger from the Netherlands popped up to comment: “Now I know who the birany [sic] one is, I’ll keep looking for your posts”. Well, Dillanger, whoever the birany one is, it certainly ain’t you.

Janess from Poland told me: “The forum is a bigrhter [sic] place thanks to your posts.” Aw, and my spam folder is a bigrhter place thanks to your posts.

Raynes exclaimed: “Very true! Makes a change to see soemnoe spell it out like that.”

And it makes a change to see “someone” spelled like that, Raynes.

One Daisy, obviously a discerning reader, asked for “More posts of this quality. Not the usual c***, please.” You mean not the usual c** you read elsewhere, Daisy – or my usual c***?

Zaylin from Denmark wrote: “Ab fab my godoly [sic] man”. And I always thought the Scandinavians were good at English.

Keisha asked “Umm, are you really just giving this info out for notihng?” Yep, Keisha, you’re too easily impressed. Talk is cheap. I’ll talk bollocks for no charge.

Tommy in Russia said my page featuring an example of my (unpublished) fiction had solved his “problem”. Frankly, I can’t see how it can have solved anyone’s problem, other than warning them against having characters going to the pub twice in the same evening, through the author losing track and forgetting they were already there.

Susannah from Australia commented: “You are so aewsome [sic] for helping me solve this mystery”. This was a response to my post about what men really talk about (answer: toast). You never know, perhaps she’d actually read the bloody thing.

And Medford, commenting on nothing in particular, said: “I don’t know who you wrote this for but you helped a brhoter [sic] out”. Funny, I don’t know who I wrote it for either, Medford – we must be twin souls.

Pic credit: Antoine Henrich, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1046

Spammers delight me with gloriously incomprehensible English

Felt initial delight on checking site stats, at seeing a relatively enormous number of comments had been posted. Most turned out to be spam, which was mildly disappointing, though funnily enough I actually rather enjoyed reading them.

Is it compulsory, I wondered, for spam to be written so badly? Why would someone who is trying to flog a service – in this case, various kinds of web-hosting and SEO – opt for Double Dutch as their language of choice?

It seems a shame that such glorious examples of mediocre English should go to waste, so here are some of the best bits before I consign them to the trash.

“I like this weblog very much, Its a very nice berth to read and obtain information,” said the first spammer.

Aw, that’s nice, thanks! First time I’ve ever been told I have a nice berth – whatever that is.

Another spammer wrote: “I don’t unremarkably comment but I gotta admit appreciate it for the post on this special one”.

Glad to hear I am appreciated, if only “unremarkably”.

Winning the award for Most Incomprehensible Mangling of the English Language is this contender:  “Thanks for spending some time to talk about this approach, I think honestly with it and then cherish reading through more to do with this subject. However, if opportunity, any time you realize know-how, everything that thought processes updating your primary net equipped with in addition details? This is useful for me.” Sic.

This latter one is so bad it’s probably the result of free online translation software. It reminded me of the results when, bored one night, I got the internet to translate Keats’ “Ode to a Nightingale” into French, and then back, then back into French, then back to English again. With each translation it became less and less coherent, and more and more funny. I might try it again sometime and post the results here.

Pic credit: Master Isolated Images, http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1962