More creative euphemisms used by recruiters to obtain their dream candidate


My previous post on the subject of hilarious euphemisms used by recruiters for journalism-related jobs got a great response and some particularly bored readers actually asked for more!

Glad to oblige, with Part Two. These are all real examples gleaned from various job-sites, but the frivolous interpretations are my own.

peanuts
We pay with these!

The writer will work from a remote location and meet up with the creative team for regular meetings.

= We can’t afford a proper office.

The successful candidate will be willing to cross boundaries to get a good story.

= We like keeping the legal department busy.

You must be a competent scientist and a fantastic writer with superb client liaison skills.

= If you can rewire the servers, cook a cordon bleu meal and reinvent the wheel that would be good too.

This post is ideal for a high level university post graduate. Must be qualified to HNC and would suit first class honours graduate.

= We don’t have the slightest idea what we’re looking for.

At least a 2:1 degree from a top tier university.

= No-one from one of those chavvy Polytechnics need apply.

The work involves academic writing.

= You’ll be helping lazy and stupid students to cheat.

[so-called ‘academic’ writing is basically writing students’ essays for them. It’s hard to rationalise this activity as ethical, and students who get caught using such a service would face disciplinary action and quite rightly so]

You will need to raise your own financial support as this is a non-salaried position.

= We’ll get what work we can out of you before you have your house repossessed.

[that ‘job’ is as a writer for a ‘Christian’ charity. There’s far too much of this sort of thing around. A well-run charity should be able to pay its key full-time people, and most do, but there are still some rogues around.]

Identify and suggest improvements to administrative processes and procedures.

= The office is a total shambles and no-one has a clue what’s going on.

 Someone who will strive to work as hard as we do.

= You won’t get home till late.

This is a job that will require early mornings to get a start on the day’s news and may sometimes require late nights covering awards shows and other live events.

= You’ll won’t get home till very late.

[That one’s from the Washington Post: it has generated quite a bit of discussion online about the pressures being placed on young, and often not fully trained, journalists]

Be responsive to the news agenda 24-7.

= You won’t get home at all. Ever.

Able to think out of the box.

= A bit eccentric…

The ability to successfully multi-task.

= …but not actually psychotic.

Should ideally have two years’ experience.

= We can’t afford anyone more experienced.

This position is ideal for those who would like to gain a foothold in the media industry.

= We’re paying peanuts.

We act as a vessel for writers who wish to gain experience, knowledge and published work.

= We’re paying peanuts, too!

We'll get  these!
We’ll get these!

You will receive close supervision to improve your writing.

= We’re paying peanuts but we know we’ll get monkeys.

Must be computer literature [sic]… Please send a detail [sic] CV

= We’ve got monkeys. One of them wrote this job ad.

Managing content provieded [sic] by companies… Excellent Busieness [sic] English skills. Previous experience in writing articles is welcomed but not necceserly [sic]. Also experience in sea freight industry is not neccesery [sic]

= We’ve got monkeys too – aren’t they cute?

A real passion for the writen [sic] word.

= Unlike us.

[I know the three examples above are not really euphemisms, but they made me laugh because of the spelling]

Take responsibility for ensuring production schedules are realistic and achievable.

= We can’t bring a magazine out on time for toffee.

You’ll be nurturing a great team.

= They’re loose cannons. We can’t control them – can you?

If you’re prone to negativity you will find [the job] difficult if not impossible.

= The money’s crap but don’t even think about complaining about it.

Intern [wanted] to do research projects for the managing editor.

= She’s run out of ideas for places to go for lunch.

We're fun to work for!
We’re fun to work for!

And finally, this gem from an ad for an editor of a B2B magazine..

Willingness to buy your round down the pub.

= The job sounds boring but we’re fun! Please come and work for us!

Peanuts picture credit: zole4 at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

Monkeys picture credit: mconnors at http://www.morguefile.com

Drinking picture credit: Ambro at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

7 thoughts on “More creative euphemisms used by recruiters to obtain their dream candidate

  1. Sarah says:

    Oh that did make me laugh thank you!!! And so true 😉 my fave (among many) has to be the one about sorting the office out. Or maybe “nurturing” the team of loose cannons!! Loved those typos too – how can they do it? Saw an insurance ad at the services recently (on the back of the loo door) with the most shocking use of the flying apostrophe…. But then there probably aren’t many of us who notice. Or care *sigh*. Keep up the good work love!

    1. Sue Fenton says:

      I know – we’re fighting a losing battle. But one thing gave me hope recently, which was an article arguing that people who use text-speak are fully aware they’re breaking the rules, they just do it for brevity and actually can write properly.
      Banging on about it keeps me occupied anyway, which is the main thing!

  2. Joli says:

    An IT Support-wallah friend of mine is looking for a new job cos he hates the one he’s in now. Due to the Catch 22ism of not having time to look for a job if you’ve already got a job, I’ve been doing the job-surfing for him.
    It turns out that …
    “We are looking for an administrator to manage incidents in a busy support centre, working closely with our clients throughout Europe, and to manage the incidents through to resolution. You will have excellent customer service skills, display active listening and a polite telephone manner, You will have the ability to manage multiple work streams; ability to maintain strong communication with the customer< and you will be working in fast paced environment"…
    means…
    "You will need to be able to say "have you tried switching it off and then back on again" in six different languages, all at the same time".

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