My previous post on the subject of hilarious euphemisms used by recruiters for journalism-related jobs got a great response and some particularly bored readers actually asked for more!
Glad to oblige, with Part Two. These are all real examples gleaned from various job-sites, but the frivolous interpretations are my own.
The writer will work from a remote location and meet up with the creative team for regular meetings.
= We can’t afford a proper office.
The successful candidate will be willing to cross boundaries to get a good story.
= We like keeping the legal department busy.
You must be a competent scientist and a fantastic writer with superb client liaison skills.
= If you can rewire the servers, cook a cordon bleu meal and reinvent the wheel that would be good too.
This post is ideal for a high level university post graduate. Must be qualified to HNC and would suit first class honours graduate.
= We don’t have the slightest idea what we’re looking for.
At least a 2:1 degree from a top tier university.
= No-one from one of those chavvy Polytechnics need apply.
The work involves academic writing.
= You’ll be helping lazy and stupid students to cheat.
[so-called ‘academic’ writing is basically writing students’ essays for them. It’s hard to rationalise this activity as ethical, and students who get caught using such a service would face disciplinary action and quite rightly so]
You will need to raise your own financial support as this is a non-salaried position.
= We’ll get what work we can out of you before you have your house repossessed.
[that ‘job’ is as a writer for a ‘Christian’ charity. There’s far too much of this sort of thing around. A well-run charity should be able to pay its key full-time people, and most do, but there are still some rogues around.]
Identify and suggest improvements to administrative processes and procedures.
= The office is a total shambles and no-one has a clue what’s going on.
Someone who will strive to work as hard as we do.
= You won’t get home till late.
This is a job that will require early mornings to get a start on the day’s news and may sometimes require late nights covering awards shows and other live events.
= You’ll won’t get home till very late.
[That one’s from the Washington Post: it has generated quite a bit of discussion online about the pressures being placed on young, and often not fully trained, journalists]
Be responsive to the news agenda 24-7.
= You won’t get home at all. Ever.
Able to think out of the box.
= A bit eccentric…
The ability to successfully multi-task.
= …but not actually psychotic.
Should ideally have two years’ experience.
= We can’t afford anyone more experienced.
This position is ideal for those who would like to gain a foothold in the media industry.
= We’re paying peanuts.
We act as a vessel for writers who wish to gain experience, knowledge and published work.
= We’re paying peanuts, too!
You will receive close supervision to improve your writing.
= We’re paying peanuts but we know we’ll get monkeys.
Must be computer literature [sic]… Please send a detail [sic] CV
= We’ve got monkeys. One of them wrote this job ad.
Managing content provieded [sic] by companies… Excellent Busieness [sic] English skills. Previous experience in writing articles is welcomed but not necceserly [sic]. Also experience in sea freight industry is not neccesery [sic]
= We’ve got monkeys too – aren’t they cute?
A real passion for the writen [sic] word.
= Unlike us.
[I know the three examples above are not really euphemisms, but they made me laugh because of the spelling]
Take responsibility for ensuring production schedules are realistic and achievable.
= We can’t bring a magazine out on time for toffee.
You’ll be nurturing a great team.
= They’re loose cannons. We can’t control them – can you?
If you’re prone to negativity you will find [the job] difficult if not impossible.
= The money’s crap but don’t even think about complaining about it.
Intern [wanted] to do research projects for the managing editor.
= She’s run out of ideas for places to go for lunch.
And finally, this gem from an ad for an editor of a B2B magazine..
Willingness to buy your round down the pub.
= The job sounds boring but we’re fun! Please come and work for us!
Peanuts picture credit: zole4 at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net
Monkeys picture credit: mconnors at http://www.morguefile.com
Drinking picture credit: Ambro at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net